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Tablets
#1

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!



I'm still looking for a place to live.:brickwall:
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#2
I got robbed at the Shell garage yesterday.
When the Police arrived they asked if I knew who was responsible.
"Pump No.6", I replied.
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#3
Tesco has announced 20,000 new jobs are to be created in the UK.
Poland's Prime Minister has welcomed the news!!
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#4
A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
2010 Berlingo Multispace HDi 110 with FAP. Persamos green.

[Image: ab197646.gif]
[+] 3 users say Thank You to 3rensho for this post
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#5
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,
marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran
and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,
... which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
How much to repair it? The Scot asks the chemist.
Six pence, says the chemist.
How much for a new one?
Ten pence, says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,
and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists
and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
The regiment has taken a vote, he says.
“We'll buy a new one."
2010 XTR in black with bells and whistles

[Image: 5A50i.jpg]
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#6
(28-03-2012, 03:42 PM)3rensho Wrote:  A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

The doctor told her she was pregnant-she replied "are you sure its mine?"


[Image: 2wn2p8y.jpg]

[Image: 334qgbr.jpg]
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#7
OH.
MY.
GOD!

Is this where the education system has failed us?
Or is it the availability of cheap drugs?
Or cider?
She can't be for real? Can she?
Would love to read her curriculum vitae...
If anyone told her that gravity is 10m/s/s or the earth spins at 800mph, I genuinely think her head would explode!

Please tell me she is winding us up....

[+] 1 user says Thank You to j90xxx for this post
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#8
(29-03-2012, 08:16 PM)j90xxx Wrote:  OH.
MY.
GOD!

Is this where the education system has failed us?
Or is it the availability of cheap drugs?
Or cider?
She can't be for real? Can she?
Would love to read her curriculum vitae...
If anyone told her that gravity is 10m/s/s or the earth spins at 800mph, I genuinely think her head would explode!

Please tell me she is winding us up....
Sadly not ,Martin, this is for real
Kayleigh was in my sons' year (note 'year' not class!) at school-yes she did actually attend.
There was a little gang of them that used to come round to play when they were munchkins.
Thankfully they all grew in their separate ways...

Cider?-cheeky :censored:!!Wink



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#9
What is the little angel doing now?
Doctor, accountant, solicitor, MP?

When I say cider, I mean the 9.5% stuff that is £1.99 for 3 litres and is good for degreasing your engine bay.
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#10
(30-03-2012, 08:28 AM)j90xxx Wrote:  When I say cider, I mean the 9.5% stuff that is £1.99 for 3 litres and is good for degreasing your engine bay.

That is NOT cider!

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